At Fault
by evolvedbookdragon
Summary: It was her fault. It was all her fault. She had led them there. Jyn didn't know how to live with herself. She didn't know if she should. (The story of what would happen if Rogue One had ended differently. How would Jyn cope with it?)(Rated T for some dark themes)


**A/N: This is my take of what would happen if Jyn and Cassian had survived Scarif. It is also my first Stars Wars story. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Star Wars Universe!**

Blood.

There was blood everywhere.

It stained her hands. It was matted in her hair and the floor was sticky with it. The blood of her fallen comrades. Her friends, her new home, lay bathed in blood and she was responsible. Their bodies were sprawled on the floor in front of her, their still eyes staring into her soul. They could see her for what she truly was - a murderer.

"Jyn"

The voice came from behind her and when she turned she saw Cassian standing there. Jyn nearly sobbed with relief

"I thought you were dead"

"I am dead. You killed me." Cassian grabbed her face and began shouting. "Why? Why did you do it? Why did you lead us here?" He spun her around and forced her to look at the corpses of her friends. "Was it worth it? Look at them! Do you think they died peacefully?" He was shaking her now, making the world spin. "This is your fault! You killed them! You did this!" He released her and stepped away, pulling his blaster from it's holster and leveling it with her face. There was nothing but pure hatred in his eyes "The least you can do is suffer as they did."

He began firing and Jyn began screaming and her screams carried through from her dream to reality, and they continued until her voice was hoarse, then they turned into sobs.

Jyn curled into a ball and cried, ignoring the banging on her door and the world around her. Cassian's words echoed through her mind. "You did this." "It's your fault." He was right. She has led them to Scarif. She had been so insistent on getting those plans and because of her stupidity and arrogance, people had died. Her friends. Jyn knew in her heart that there was no escaping this truth. She lay on her bed for the rest of the night, fits of emotion coming and going.

When her alarm sounded, she rose, showered and dressed. Jyn stood in front of the cracked mirror above her sink and schooled her face into the emotionless mask she'd been wearing for the last two weeks. The one she'd been wearing since Scarif.

There had been so much death on that day.

As she and Cassian had stumbled out of the elevator and onto the beach, they spotted Krennic's ship just sitting there, unguarded. They knew that Rogue One was gone. They had seen the explosion. There were no other options and time was against them. They passed too many bodies on their way to the ramp, Rebels and Stormtroopers alike. After practically carrying the Captain onto the ship and -strapping him to his seat, he had promptly lost consciousness and it was up to Jyn to save their asses.

When they had arrived on Yavin Four, the Captain had been taken to the infirmary for treatment. So Jyn waited to see if she had killed another friend. But the Captain (being the stubborn fighter that he is) made a full recovery. When he left the infirmary he found her, gave her a hug and thanked her for saving his life.

Jyn hasn't seen him since. She couldn't face him.

How could he thank her when she had killed all those Rebels?

He must have been lying.

How could he forgive her after what she had done?

Jyn knows he didn't really. She didn't blame him. She doesn't deserve to be forgiven. She doesn't deserve to be alive either but she is. So she gets up in the mornings and she attends meetings, analyses data and fixes computers.

At night she tries to sleep but she is plagued by the horrors of her past and she wakes screaming but she knows she deserves it, so she says nothing, and everyone just goes with it. Her screams are ignored, her lack of emotion is accepted and life in the Rebellion goes on. A life she unworthy of living.

It's killing him.

It's slowly eating away at him every minute of everyday. The worry, the fear.

He is going to lose her, Cassian is almost sure of it. She will not speak to him, will not even look at him when they are in the same room. But he looks at her and he sees straight through the mask that she believes has everyone fooled. She is wrong. He sees her pain and the guilt. He can tell by the way she walks into the cafeteria in the mornings that she was harassed by her own subconscious and has had no sleep. She does not know that his room is in the same corridor as hers, just across the hall. Se does not know that he hears her screams and that it is Cassian who bangs on her door, begging her to let him in, because she is numb to the world, drowning in guilt that she shouldn't be feeling. She should be proud of what she did but he knows she is not, and he remembers what it's like to be so lost in grief and to feel responsible for the misfortunes of the galaxy. He knows that in her eyes is the pain and the anguish that is found in the never ending cycle of self-hate she is trapped in.

On the day the Death Star was destroyed Cassian was overjoyed. Until he saw her face. Her mask barely twitched when she heard the news. She simply nodded and retreated from the hall.

Cassian is angry at the universe. He is angry because of the injustice on Scarif, because of the Empire, because of his own guilt and suffering. Above all he is angry because Jyn does not deserve to feel such shame. Scarif was not her fault.

The fear, the worry, the anger and the pain were always there.

And they were killing him.

The blood was back, but this time it was coming from Cassian's lifeless form. Bodhi Rook, looking like the bringer of death himself, stood above him.

"It's your fault you know." He stated "I suppose its better this way though. At least he doesn't have to endure your betrayal. He is dead because of you." He pointed at her hand and when Jyn looked, she saw a knife, blood still dripping from the tip. Bodhi was right, it was her fault.

Oh God, she'd killed them. She'd killed them all. Her family was gone because of her. Oh God, Oh God, how could she, oh god, oh god-

A wail escaped from Jyn's mouth as she wakes and the grief holds her hostage as guilt tears her apart. Pain and guilt. She sounds like a dying animal but that's what she is now she thinks. She is being devoured from the inside and she cannot fight for much longer.

The sobs are racking her entire body and she falls off the bed. She hits the ground hard but makes no attempt to rise. She is content in that moment to drown.

Cassian can take it no longer. Ten minutes ago he heard her hit the floor. For the last six minutes he had been knocking on her door, demanding to be let in, as he heard her weep. It is silent now. And Cassian decides that is so much worse. He backs up a few steps and kicks the door in with ease. (In hindsight, this may have been a bit excessive but he was tired and angry and afraid that he would lose someone else).

He found Jyn lying on the floor next to her bed, not moving, not making any noise. Just lying there. The only sign of life was the slight rise and fall of her chest. He slowly knelt down beside her. She does not react. She clearly did not hear him come in.

"Jyn," He whispered softly, not wanting to startle her. She does not respond, however, so he shakes her arms lightly. "Jyn," he calls a little louder this time and for the first time in two weeks her green eyes meet his blue ones and he can see how broken she really is.

Tears spill down her cheeks when she realizes it's Cassian. She smiles sadly. "I know that this is not real and that you are not here, but it is good to see you Cassian. Its nice to see you looking so alive."

"Jyn, it is me. I am alive, I promise you."

"No," She declares. "It's not you, it can't be you because you are dead. Just like Bodhi. And K-2. And Baze. And Churrit. I killed them...I killed you." She looks away in horror after she says that. "I killed you," She mutters. "Cassian, I killed you, oh God, I killed you, oh God, oh God-" and she begins sobbing again. Cassian simply picks her up, sits on the bed and holds her close to him, tucking her head under his chin. He held her until she stopped shaking and her breathing had settled. Then he took her hand and place it on his chest. "Do you feel that?" he asks. "Jyn nods ever so slightly. "I am alive. You did not kill me. You did not kill our family." He spoke in barely a whisper, wanting her to really listen to what he was saying. "Every single person on that ship knew the risk and they chose to go. You did not force them to go, you didn't hold a blaster to their heads. They made their own decision and you need to respect that. Scarif was not your fault. And I know you are not okay. Stop trying to convince me that you are. You are allowed to not be okay. They were family and they will always be family." He pulled away to look her in the eye as he repeated "You did not kill me. You did not kill them. It was not your fault."

The tears came again. She wanted to believe him, she really did, but everything in her was screaming 'You are to blame!' so she gave in to the pain and Cassian just held her tighter.

Jyn woke to the sound of sobbing. But this time it wasn't coming from her. She rolled over and the space beside her usually occupied by Cassian was empty. He was always beside her now days. To hold her together when she falls apart, to pick her up when she trips and to remind her that they are alive. They're never really apart these days and it is something Jyn relies on.

He was sitting on the floor, knees pulled tight against his chest, and he was whimpering and visibly trembling. Jyn dashed to his side and he looked up at the sound of her footsteps. "Oh Jyn, I'm sorry I woke you. It's okay, go back to sleep." and he gave her the most unconvincing smile she'd seen in her entire life.

"I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me," She answered simply. Was she being blunt? Yes. Was it necessary? With Captain Cassian Andor - Absolutely. He won't open up unless you force him to, which may sound cruel but he needed it. So she took his still quaking hand in hers and stared at him, until he began to speak.

"It was a nightmare. They are common for someone in my business. It was about my first assassination assignment.

It had been a simple one. The target was overconfident and careless. I was in position, ready to fire and then the target turned his head, but this time it was Bodhi." He paused, drawing in a sharp breath "And do you know what I did?" He looked at her with eyes so full of self-hatred and Jyn felt her heart break all over again. "I pulled the trigger. I-I killed him."

He began shaking again so Jyn pulled him close and just stayed with him, occasionally whispering "You didn't kill Bodhi." just to make sure he knew.

They were both broken, she realized, not just her. And while this really wasn't helpful at that moment, Jyn could not help but take a small selfish bit of comfort in that at least she wasn't alone in this. It gave her a bit of hope.

Jyn laughed. Cassian stared at her, beaming, eyes gleaming because for the first time in over year Jyn Erso had actually, genuinely, laughed out loud. And it was a beautiful sound. He told her as much.

Things were not perfect. They weren't brilliant or fantastic or great or even good. But they were okay and that was the goal for now. Jyn was still plagued by grief and overwhelming guilt. She still woke from nightmares of blood. She took solace in the fact that now she had Cassian to help keep her ghosts at bay. Without fail he was there and it helped. Because when she sobbed and screamed "My fault!" as her mind turns against her Cassian would take her hand or hold her close and just tell her that it was, in fact, not her fault and that above all else she was not alone, and when Cassian would wake from his nightmares Jyn would do the same. Always reminding each other that they were not alone in this spiral of shame.

This was not some miracle cure but it helped.

They were both broken and filled with guilt but they had each other. They had their nightmares and they the whispers of forgiveness. And slowly they began to believe that maybe, just maybe, they could move on from their past. If they believed that it wasn't their fault.

 **A/N: So I hope it was good. I imagine that if they had survived it would have been really difficult for them to keep going. So yeah - that's where this came from. Please leave a review telling me what you thought! All feedback is appreciated as it will (hopefully) make me a better writer! Thanks for reading!**


End file.
